Let's Talk

Today I learned the value of letting others love you. I'm not sure why it surprises me, except perhaps I've always felt ultimately unlovable. Deep down I know why this is, but I don't like to accept that my mother's love was not enough to make up for the actions of my other parent. So I went to see dear J today downtown. She is a bit patronizing and teacherly, as in: "You know what you have to do, deep down, and you know you do," etc etc. I don't this but I'm slowly gaining the skills to be able to set some boundaries with people, including people I LIKE and want to continue to have a relationship with--a new thing for me.
Before I've always run far away, never could face the idea of actually speaking to someone about actions that bother me in order to have them stop and thus preserve the relationship.
I guess it's a mark both of the people I love and of my own progress towards normalcy that I'm able to do this at all--a work in progress, like a fresh canvas, with dabs of paint here and there, but as yet not a fully recognizable image.

While I have hope that one day I will recover--whatever that means, I'm slowly becoming more and more aware that each day is an experience in itself, a slow and not always steady move towards that goal--a goal but not a destination; a goal achievable only through the living of each day.

Came home, took BF out to get is bike from the shop, all ok on the homefront...just doing my work and lying low (or at least, as low as possible--without encouraging myself to FEEL low).
BF doing same old stuff--makes me upset but what can you do? Nothing. Or at least I could but I'm not prepared to make that decision right now--especially so close to Christmas. Just gotta pray and stay sane and take it a day at a time.

Planning to make all sorts of yummies this Christmas. Better get a head start or the season will pass (as it always seems to) before my very eyes and I'll discover that while I was expecting the Christmas season to BEGIN on Christmas (Twelve Days of Christmas? Remember, folks?), everyone else will toss the tree and wrappings on December 26th, and I'll be left with a whole lot of Christmas spirit and nowhere to take it.